I learned this during Widow Journey #1. Grief is not linear. I had the naive idea I would simply walk through the steps of grief, check the boxes off as I completed each one until I reached the end of the list. It surprised me (initially)…it doesn’t work that way. Grief is so much messier (and less patterned) than that. I have been reminded of that again.
The anger I’ve been dealing with as of late seems to have dissipated quite a bit and morphed back into sheer sadness. All I have to do is look around this house we recently purchased together, and the tears start to pour. We never had the opportunity to finish settling in. There are numerous unfinished projects in every room just screaming for Joel’s hand to touch each one in his perfect, creative ability to do so. I’m sure I can tackle some on my own, but I truthfully don’t want to. The sadness wins out.
I hear the children talk about daddy amongst themselves, and the tears well up in my eyes.
Katerina: “I talk to Daddy. He’s with Jesus.”
Benjamin: “You can’t talk to Daddy. He can’t hear you.”
Josiah: “Daddy died. He’s in Heaven with Jesus.”
Katerina: “He’ll come back soon.”
Benjamin: “No he won’t. He’s never coming back.”
Austyn: “I miss daddy.”
These are snippets of conversations they have over and over with themselves. I pipe in to correct what needs correcting, but for the most part…I let them talk. Austyn, on the other hand, knows that daddy went to Heaven but is expecting him to return soon. He doesn’t grasp the finality of it all.
Friends…while I might be angry at times, very sad at other times, full of “why” questions continually, exasperated, exhausted, and feeling isolated and alone…one thing I know to be true, and I will say this until God calls me Home:
GOD IS GOOD!!!
There is no part in this tragedy, no part in my emotional swings, no part of my faith that disagrees with that statement.
GOD IS GOOD!!!!
And…His plan is always better. He sees the big picture, that I/we cannot see. It’s only been just under six years since I lost my last husband, Chris. Since that time…I witnessed time and again the evidence of the sovereignty and greatness of God, even amongst many, many tears.
The tears have returned…this time for the tragic loss of my prince…my Joel! I’m sure if I’d measured, I would have filled buckets full by now. And yet…God has captured each one. They are not lost to Him. I know He holds me when I scream, when I sob, when I shake, and when I whimper. He knows my pain better than I know it myself. And…so…I turn to Him…the author of life and death. My Comforter.
For today, anger is mostly gone…the tears are heavy, but God is here.