Friday, June 2, 2017

My Chest is Wet with Tears

Lewis quote on painMy chest is wet with tears. When did they start? All it takes is a word I read, or a kind message of encouragement from a friend or stranger. Sometimes…it takes nothing at all. It’s grief. I had the privilege of loving deeply (more than once), so losing the object of that love makes it all the more evident.

Life has been a rollercoaster ride on Grief Road this week. The most amazing news of the week: my foot wound is finally closed!!! I have been released to return to work next Tuesday, and I can now shower without a trash bag taped around my foot and ankle. I’ve been doing this for nearly three months, so this is HUGE friends! Happy me!!!

However, one day prior to receiving my awesome foot news, I received a different type of news. Still medical, but different area of the body, different doctor…different issue. This time…it’s more serious (correctable, but serious), and I’ll share more as I’m able. Just. One. More. Thing. I keep asking God, “How much more?” I’m even more gun-shy now after having gone through a “correctable” procedure with Joel that turned out far differently than any of us could have imagined. I’m trying not to go there in my thinking, but it’s hard not to sometimes. And yet…God. Is. In. Control.

While I don’t know the reasons behind this horrific 2017, I know He’s Sovereign, and none of this has come as a surprise to Him and even passed through His hands first. I’m NOT saying God caused it. I AM saying He allowed it. For what purpose? I’m not sure. Will I ever know? I’m not sure about that either. But, I know God’s plans are always better. Always. It certainly doesn’t look that way now, because I only see a smidgen of what He sees. My line of sight is narrow and dim, at best. He sees all.

Even through the pain, 45 years with lots of it, I still trust Him with my life. I wouldn’t want to go through heartache without Christ, and I honestly don’t know how people do it. I see why people turn to pills, alcohol, and other vices to “get through” life (not advocating for that, just understanding the “why”), especially the hardest parts of life. It’s tough with Christ, for me, it would be impossible without Him.

And yet..the tears still fall. He’s collecting each one, according to His Word. And, He’s working all of this “junk” out for my good, because I’ve been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Would you continue to pray for me and my family please, as God brings us to your mind? We need all the “gap-standers” we can get. And…you know what…we need a peaceful break from the “hard things” for a little while. May I ask for prayer for that too please? Thank you all!


Monday, February 27, 2017

The Angers Melts…Back Into Sadness

I learned this during Widow Journey #1. Grief is not linear. I had the naive idea I would simply walk through the steps of grief, check the boxes off as I completed each one until I reached the end of the list. It surprised me (initially)…it doesn’t work that way. Grief is so much messier (and less patterned) than that. I have been reminded of that again.

The anger I’ve been dealing with as of late seems to have dissipated quite a bit and morphed back into sheer sadness. All I have to do is look around this house we recently purchased together, and the tears start to pour. We never had the opportunity to finish settling in. There are numerous unfinished projects in every room just screaming for Joel’s hand to touch each one in his perfect, creative ability to do so. I’m sure I can tackle some on my own, but I truthfully don’t want to. The sadness wins out.

I hear the children talk about daddy amongst themselves, and the tears well up in my eyes.

Katerina: “I talk to Daddy. He’s with Jesus.”

Benjamin: “You can’t talk to Daddy. He can’t hear you.”

Josiah: “Daddy died. He’s in Heaven with Jesus.”

Katerina: “He’ll come back soon.”

Benjamin: “No he won’t. He’s never coming back.”

Austyn: “I miss daddy.”

These are snippets of conversations they have over and over with themselves. I pipe in to correct what needs correcting, but for the most part…I let them talk. Austyn, on the other hand, knows that daddy went to Heaven but is expecting him to return soon. He doesn’t grasp the finality of it all.

Friends…while I might be angry at times, very sad at other times, full of “why” questions continually, exasperated, exhausted, and feeling isolated and alone…one thing I know to be true, and I will say this until God calls me Home:


There is no part in this tragedy, no part in my emotional swings, no part of my faith that disagrees with that statement.


And…His plan is always better. He sees the big picture, that I/we cannot see. It’s only been just under six years since I lost my last husband, Chris. Since that time…I witnessed time and again the evidence of the sovereignty and greatness of God, even amongst many, many tears.

The tears have returned…this time for the tragic loss of my prince…my Joel! I’m sure if I’d measured, I would have filled buckets full by now. And yet…God has captured each one. They are not lost to Him. I know He holds me when I scream, when I sob, when I shake, and when I whimper. He knows my pain better than I know it myself. And…so…I turn to Him…the author of life and death. My Comforter.

For today, anger is mostly gone…the tears are heavy, but God is here.