Single Parenting Archives - Leah Stirewalt

While I wish I could say I’ve been traveling to some of the amazing places Carmen Sandiego used to frequent all over the world, my adventures over the last few months have been far less geographic, in nature, and much more organic.

Adventure seems to be the common denominator in my life these days, and in all truth, for several years now. Being the thrill-seeker I am, I wish I could say I’ve been sky diving over Hawaii, scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef, swimming with dolphins in Key West, and rafting the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. But, to share those tales would simply be the start of my first fiction novel. My life adventures have been nothing short of prominent, but far more mundane to the average human.

I’ve had several wonderful things take place as of recently and some not so much. As I, once again, transition back to writing in this little oasis for my soul, let me briefly catch you up. The nerdy list-maker that I am will do so in just that way…

Leah’s First Half of 2019’s List of Life “Adventures”:

We celebrated birthdays #22 (Anna), #8 (Ben), #5 (Austyn), and #11 (Josiah) all in the first half of the year.
We remembered the second anniversary of Joel’s homegoing in February.
I wrecked my minivan in February, and it’s drivable again thanks to the love of some amazing friends.
We enjoyed Easter with the grands and their amazing parents (my bonus kiddos) and then extended the Easter celebration further by traveling to my mother-in-law’s home on Easter Sunday and spent it with my extended family.
A straight-line wind storm tore through our property one night and destroyed the trampoline and swing set (minor in the grand scheme of things but still adventurous nonetheless).
Austyn graduated from preschool! My baby heads to Kindergarten later this month.
The “Great Flood of 2019” hit our county in early June and did unbelievable damage to many in our area. We had basement flooding and lots of yard damage, including losing ALL the mulch.
Anna graduated from college in May and just began her career as a teacher earlier this month, teaching first grade!
We celebrated Anna’s graduation with a long-planned-for trip to Disneyworld! Just the two of us.
I experienced a new (and unprecedented for me) level of emotional stress that I’m currently learning how navigate more intentionally.
I had my children home with me all summer, all day, everyday, for the first time EVER. That’s been a learning experience for me!
We hosted one of my dearest friends and two of her daughters for a week in July. Lots of swimming and outdoor fun took place!
I began doing contract social media management and editing for Mandy Roberson Media, and I absolutely LOVE working again…especially doing work that fuels me!
We began attending a new church back in May and have really enjoyed connecting with this fantastic multi-cultural body of believers. And, most importantly…
Josiah (my 11-year-old) gave his heart to Jesus and surrendered to His Lordship over his life. His amazing life adventure truly just began!

Those are just a few snippets of what’s been going on in my little world and what has kept me distracted from writing lately. As you can read, some of my recent life adventures have been wonderfully amazing but some of have been harder to endure. Either way…I march on (sometimes my march looks more like a crawl, if truth be told).

I have so many new posts already in the works, so I hope the days of long hiatuses from ODW are over. I also have a few other exciting things in the works here on the site, and I hope to unveil those sometime later this year. Thanks for continuing to read – even when the words have been few! Be blessed friends!

There…I said it. I. Feel. Judged. After another long hiatus from this little community, I don’t want my first post back to be one that sounds negative. It’s just what’s on my heart right now, and I find I write more authentically from the heart. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written in awhile…just too hard to compose “feelings” into words sometimes. But, I’ve been thinking (could be dangerous, at times), and some of those thoughts are coming out via the keyboard.

I’ve been feeling judged lately. Nobody has said that, in essence, but actions (or lack thereof) speak loudly sometimes. As a I told my dear friend recently, “I know I haven’t been the best daughter, friend, family member, blogger (and I implied any other relationship I might have missed the mark with), and I’m truly sorry.” I just stink at it…a lot.

I could “blame” it on a lot, according to many.

You had a crappy childhood; you’ve been widowed twice; you’re solo parenting four adopted kiddos (all of whom have a special need component that we deal with daily); you have a lot on your plate with day-to-day living, in general. And the list goes on…

The truth of the matter? I’m a sinner, saved by grace. Right now, a LOT of grace is being poured out on me. If people want me to feel judged, they’ve succeeded. However, most of the judgment I feel, I heap on myself, and I don’t even need anyone else to do that for me.

I feel I fail most days. I feel defeated quite often. I keep trying and trying and trying and often feel I take two steps forward and three back. And…then are the good days. Aaaahhh…the good days keep me sane. They are balm to my weary soul. Sometimes a good day is simply getting the kids to school on time. Seriously. I keep backing up the time our mornings begin, but with four ADHD kiddos, each new morning brings a new set of chaotic challenges. I’ve thought many times of dressing them for school the night before simply to eliminate that element of it. (There…I admitted it.)

I’m truthfully ashamed, most days, at the disorganized mess my life has become at times. For those that “knew me when”…I am a recovering perfectionist with high OCD tendencies. Nothing was ever out of place. I would have never entertained the thought of filing a tax return extension. I was NEVER late. I filed receipts weekly (not once a year – another current confessional). I crafted all the time. I read lots of books, and I do mean lots. I never missed sending out a thank you note and certainly didn’t miss mailing out Christmas cards. My car was always clean (at least on the inside). I communicated with people frequently (yes…even before email and Facebook).

Now? I don’t think I need to spell it out. It hurts to be at a place in life where I sometimes don’t even recognize myself. However, I am also grateful for the “new me”.

The new Leah has experienced abounding grace, and I feel I pour it out more abundantly than I ever did before. I used to be what many might consider judgmental, but now…I see people for who they are and where they are in life. I simply love people now. Now, don’t get me wrong…I don’t like bullies (and, they can come in all shapes and forms), but I love people.
The new Leah understands failure and accepts it (even though painful at times) when it arrives at my doorstep once again.
The new Leah has learned to say “no” to what doesn’t fit into my life, as it exists now. That was something I’ve always struggled to do in the past, but I’m getting better at it.
The new Leah recognizes all that’s been done for me and my family and is thankful for it beyond words…even, if I can’t reciprocate it appropriately.
The new Leah realizes she might not be a Type A personality anymore (by default) and has embraced (not always willingly) her new Type B+ personality.

But, there is one area in which I’ve never changed. I don’t accept the role of “victim”. I will not use my life experiences as a reason for self-pity. I have been given much, and to whom much is given, much is also required (Luke 12:48 reference). Sometimes, the requirement is great sacrifice. But, I’m thankful God feels me worthy to walk the road of sacrifice quite often. And, I’m thankful He’s continuing to change me and mold me into someone He can use. He is my ultimate judge, and to Him I owe my life (even if it is messy much of the time).