Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

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Humble Pie Tastes Terrible

January 9, 2020 by Leah Stirewalt Leave a Comment

Out of Deep Waters: Humble Pie Tastes TerribleI’m just going to cut right to the chase. I’m not going to waste words trying to build up to a huge climax. Let’s get right to it. I recently ate humble pie, and it’s awful! Believe me, you don’t want the “recipe” for this one. Take me at my word…do everything you can to avoid ever having to chew one morsel of the thing. It’s not worth the “extra calories”.

A disclaimer for my English as a Second Language readers: “humble pie” is an expression in the English language meaning “to face humiliation and subsequently apologize for a serious mistake”. No – it’s not an actual dessert.

I digress. In all seriousness, I can say that I’ve always felt I relate well to all kinds of people. What’s pretty comical about that statement is that I’m an introvert. People that have met me “in real life” are typically shocked by that admittance. Allow me to explain… I’m not shy. I’m not afraid of people. Yes…I am a public speaker and don’t mind sharing before a crowd. But…here’s where the introverted part of me really shows up…I get renewed and reenergized by alone time. While I truly love people, my energy is sapped when I have to be around people for too long and don’t get quality quiet time alone.

I digress again. Back to the relating to people statement. In my childhood, I had friends in “all crowds”. I was not a clique person. While I hung out mostly with people I had the most classes with or did extracurricular activities with (at least by the time I was in high school), I truly had friends from all walks of life. That was something that actually made me happy. I have always loved humanity and can typically find something good in all people. It also didn’t hurt that I came from a background of dysfunction and abuse and learned early on to treat people with respect and love, because you never know what they might be secretly dealing with.

As I grew older and entered the world of adulthood, I felt I maintained that sense of character…always trying to cheer for the underdog, to be compassionate towards those not deserving of compassion, and to not pass judgment on anyone. I felt I carried out that role well. At least, that’s what I thought.

It wasn’t until I experienced my first (and hopefully only) piece of humble pie did the Lord truly reveal the ugliness of my heart. It’s easy to say I’m one way, but what do I secretly think about that person? You know the type? Perhaps it’s…

*the person waiting on the street corner with a cardboard sign

*the single mom or dad in line at the grocery store paying for groceries with food stamps only to follow the food stamp purchase with a cash purchase for alcohol and cigarettes

*the child in your son or daughter’s classroom who continually brings your child to tears with crass comments

*the angry senior citizen working in the fast food drive-thru well past the “normal” retirement age

*the group of moms who get together for weekly playdates with their toddlers to gossip about why you can’t join them again

*the family who always shows up late for every event with another lame excuse for their tardiness

Maybe you’ve never secretly judged anyone in the above examples, but perhaps you can think of another example that better fits what I’m trying to get across. We all do it. Admit it. Maybe not routinely, but we all judge people who aren’t like us. We make pre-conceived opinions about why a person does what they do, why they behave the way they do, what they could have done differently to avoid a situation they now find themselves in. We also make “I’ll never…” statements. You know the ones. “I may do ______ (you fill in the blank), but I’ll never do ________ (again, fill in the blank).” I’ve done it too. And recently, I found myself face-to-face with a situation I just knew I’d never personally experience. That’s when I ate the humble pie.

God graciously and mercifully reminded me that this sanctification process is tough work. He can’t fully use me – at least not in the way He intends to – until I come to the end of myself. I ate the humble pie. I came face-to-face with my ugliness. I had to repent of my sinful nature…of the pride still living inside me, and it was then God spoke to my heart,

And now, my daughter, we can really get to work. My plans for you have only just begun.

I caution you, with love…to never say never. Just when you think you’ll never find yourself in a specific situation is the exact time God might choose to show you otherwise. Allow me to spare you the heartache of eating that humble pie. But, if you have already eaten it, just know there is still hope. God hasn’t given up on you, so you shouldn’t give up on yourself. Repent of your sin, graciously accept whatever “punishment” might come as a penalty for your sin, dust yourself off, and walk forward in victory, because the battle has already been won!

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Bring on the Books!

January 8, 2020 by Leah Stirewalt Leave a Comment

If you read my post from yesterday, you know my word for 2020 is RECLAIM. If you haven’t read it yet, you can do so here. What does this look like for me? In essence, I am intentionally seeking to reclaim all the enemy has stolen from me over the last couple of years. And…there has been much.

As I reflect over the losses, I’ve had to admit some of them actually began just under a decade ago when losing my husband, Chris, to suicide. While I healed quite well following that intensely suffocating season of life, there are parts of me that I just lost. One of those was my passion for reading.

As a little girl, I devoured books from the moment I was able to read the words. I participated in every reading challenge and opportunity presented to me at school. Furthermore, my grandad would take me out one Saturday a month for a special time with him, and that time always included a trip to the bookstore to pick out my favorite Nancy Drew or Judy Blume book. I. Read. All. The. Time. Books not only brought pleasure, but they presented an opportunity for me to briefly escape from the horrors of a very dysfunctional childhood into another fantasy world…one without the drama I lived in daily.

Bring on the Books!

Fast forward to 2011…the year Chris died. Outside of God’s Word, I read very little following his death, and it was only books on grief, Heaven, suicide, surviving loss, etc. Even then, my reading time measured nowhere close to what it had been in all the years past. This pattern of reduced reading only continued until I could actually count on one hand the numbers of books I read in a year. I realize for some of  you who don’t like to read, it would be quite an accomplishment to read even one book in a single year, but for me, losing my passion for reading meant losing a piece of myself.

Last year, as I struggled to come out of my grief abyss in the second year following Joel’s death, I decided I was going to read again. Being the competitive person that I am, I challenged myself through the GoodReads app to read 40 books in 2019. You can imagine my surprise when I got to the end of the year to discover I had actually read 70 books! Yes…7-0 books! What in the world? All I could think was, “I’m back!” Or…at least that part of me and my personality was back. I found such a love for reading all over again. I love reading across all genres (with the exception of horror – no thank you), but my favorites are memoirs and historical fiction. With memoirs, I love reading the stories of people who have overcome significant obstacles or horrific past experiences – maybe because I can relate. (Speaking of those types of memoirs…I highly recommend Etched in Sand by Regina Calcaterra. You can read more about it here. It’s amazing!)

With such a surprisingly successful reading year in 2019, I’m doing it again in 2020 (or at least attempting to). I’ve challenged myself to read 80 books this year. It seems a bit daunting, however I really want to try to surpass what I did in 2019. Let the challenge begin!

Reading is only one minor area I’ve reclaimed (so far), but it brings me such joy to see the real me shining through the darkness again.

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Meet Leah

Leah StirewaltI became "twice widowed" when my beloved prince, Joel, went to his Heavenly home after a brief and sudden illness on February 12, 2017. I’m in a place of shock and devastation, but I intend to use this format to journal my second widow journey, much like I did my first. It’s my open journal, my electronic oasis, and it’s often the place I find true healing as I allow myself to “come clean” with my feelings. Read More...

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